The Moment You Knew…

The moment you realized no one really cared, even though you spent so long believing they did, can be the most devastating experience. You thought you had so many friends , so many people that were going to be “best friends forever”, ended up being the ones who had the knife in your back. It’s been said that the ones you would take a bullet for, are most often the ones pulling the trigger. In my 18 years, I have never came across a statement so true. When you first meet someone, you don’t think “how is this person going to hurt and betray me?”, instead you spend days and nights talking to this person, tell them your deep dark secrets, tell them how others have hurt you and what you are most afraid of. Most of all, you tell them things you don’t tell anyone else. We shouldn’t do this. We have all been hurt at one point in our lives. Every single time we meet someone new, we think they couldn’t possibly hurt us. And more times than not, they take those secrets, and they spread them like wildfire. If they are really good at this twisted “game”, they are the ones to come up and tell you “have you heard what they are saying about you?”. I had a friend that did the same to me, or someone who pretended to care about me when it was ” convenient” for her. This was the hardest for me to realize and slowly let her go. I love her to death, but she is not who she thinks she is, She was the one to hurt me, pick me up, then bury me six feet under. For some reason I keep going back to her though, I think it was because she was so good at pretending. I would tell her things no one else knew, then I heard her mother talking about it to another group of people. Pretty soon everyone knew my business.Even when I came to her, she denied it. I believed her, and half of me still does.

Toxic relationships will kill you slowly. She turned my life upside down for about 3 years, when I blindly followed her, and failed to see when she was hurting me, or using me until the next “best friend” came along. I think this is why so many girls have trust issues. Or why so many do the same thing or don’t get out of these friendships or relationships even, because they think it is normal. They know no other way. I hope that someone reads this and realizes this. The person that you may be saying oh I love you , to, may be the one behind the lies and rumors being thrown in your face. People aren’t always what they appear to be. I had to learn the hard way, Maybe you don’t have to.



What I’ve Learned This Past Year.

A year ago in 2014, I was finishing up my Senior year at Beavercreek High School, thinking that I had everything figured out. I planned to go to Ohio University with my boyfriend Justin, thought we were going to live in a dorm room together and everything would be perfect. I thought money was not a problem, time was not a factor , and distance from Beavercreek was a gift. Slowly, piece by piece, my beautiful plan fell apart. First it was the fact that I did not get accepted to OU, Justin got accepted to The University of Cincinnati, and I fell back on going to Miami University. Wasn’t good enough for Oxford, so they kicked me to Middletown, a regional campus. We live close to 40 minutes away , but that did not seem to be the issue at first. I had my own apartment, I was happy to be on my own, but as much as I hate to say it, I was not ready for this. I spent all my money on stupid items to make my depression ease up, to make the bad days better, but it only made it worse in the end. My job was absolute hell, I dreaded going every single day. My classes were not going well, and I lost textbooks in the mail, out over $200, that I never saw again. I made stupid mistakes that haunt me to this day, mistakes I wish I could go back and fix, maybe then I would not have had a slashed tire on a cold February morning. Maybe then I would not be afraid to sleep with the lights off, or without a can of pepper spray by my bed, just in case, you know.

I was always trying to be older than I really am, I hated how immature girls my age acted , I hated the rumors, drama and petty fights that they would start, because of that and because I spoke my mind, I did not have many friends. Looking back I really only had 4 real friends that are still by my side. I sat by myself at lunch as a senior in high school. I read books and pretended to do homework, all while fighting back tears, every single day. Sometimes the office ladies would give me a sorry look and I would get up and just go sit in the bathroom stalls so no one would have to feel sorry for me. One thing I really hated about the girls at BHS, was the fact they would not leave people in relationships alone. No need for name calling or going down to their low level, but I hope each and every one of you “ladies” read this at one point in your life and realize how disgusting and pathetic you were to go after the man that is the only reason why I’m alive, the man that means the absolute world to me and the man that I will be marrying in the near future. Was you ripping my heart apart and shattering my world really worth it? Did you get your good laugh when you saw how hurt I was? I hope you realize you were the reason I could not stop self harming in High school. Because every single time I thought a storm had passed, there was one of you lurking in the halls, touching my man and giving him your number, or literally pushing me out of the way to talk to him,. I know you did not do anything with my man, He goes for classy ladies, not pond scum. Yes, I know everything, I stayed back, because you were never worth my words. However, I always get the last word. ha,

This past year has taught me that the past is the past. As much as you may hate it, you cannot change it. learn from it, talk about it, and let it go, your future will become much brighter. Remember that no matter how distant people in your life may seem, when you need them, they will drop everything and come help you. Also, that cats are the staple for a happy life 🙂 I have learned I am not ready to grow up and be on my own quite yet, and that is okay, I think that is what some people need to realize. I learned it is okay to break down and have your world fall apart around you, how you handle that really defines who you are though. Don;t let this world break you, you are too young and too beautiful for that. Dry your eyes and fake a smile, don’t let them know they got to you, stay back and write a blog, and let everyone else know haha. You are only given one life, don’t spend it worrying about what others think or say. Don’t spend it crying at 4am about the past, and DO NOT spend it harming yourself, you are worth so much more than those demons lead you to believe. Find those who will drop everything for you, and hold them so tight , so so tight. Reach out to those who you maybe haven’t talked to that much, because who knows, like me, your boyfriend’s mother you’ve known for 4 years, could end up being your twin, and will help you through your rough patches. In a world of negative and darkness, those wonderful people in your life will always shine through and pick you up when you’re down. Let them help you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for these people in this past year. I thank you from the bottom of my heart Anika, Justin, Aspen, Tailor, and Erin. Love you so much,

Until next time,